Each step signifies a new challenge to reflect and/or act in a way that changes old mindsets and behaviors that once fed addiction. Through mutual support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, members learn and practice these spiritual steps and principles, with a view to staying sober and helping others do the same. Some forms of direct amends may be more complicated. For example, if you neglected or mistreated your children while you were using alcohol, a simple apology may not repair the damage. Instead, you may need to engage in a dialogue with them over time. This may involve attending family therapy or individual therapy.
Try to react empathetically rather than defensively. Each person’s experience of addiction and recovery is unique. Just like each person needs an individualized approach to alcohol addiction treatment, your approach to making amends in AA may look completely different from someone else’s.
Making Symbolic Amends
Making amends means apologizing but also goes one step further—doing everything in your power to repair the damage, restore the relationship, and/or, replace what you took. If you’re writing a letter, whether sending or sharing it in person, spend some time reflecting on and sharing the actions you’re taking to redress the wrong(s) done. Part of healing the past is owning the wrongs we have made towards people and places while living in our addiction. An amends is not an apology or “I’m sorry” for a wrongdoing. The most widely accepted way to offer an amends is to simply state, “I did (fill in the blank), what can I do to make that right for you?
After years of being bossy and overbearing, my basic apologies meant little. I am determined to let my loved ones be independent. They don’t always see my hands off approach as sincere kindness, but my motives are pure. In addiction, our actions and intentions aren’t aligned. For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior.
How Making Amends Helps Both You and Them
The purpose of Step Nine is to acknowledge the harm caused during active addiction and to make it right with the people involved, as much as possible. Even though they have similarities, living amends are different than making amends. While making amends is apologizing, living amends means living a completely new, sober lifestyle, and being committed to that lifestyle for both yourself and those you’ve harmed in the past.
- This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care.
- Many people begin making amends as soon as they join AA.
- Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible.
- If you or a loved one is struggling to stay sober or needs help maintaining sobriety while working the 12 Steps, Eudaimonia Recovery Homes can help.
Nor do I play the peacemaker between him and our Mother. If he specifically asks for my opinion, which he doesn’t, I will give it. Undoubtedly, you, too, have a list of ways in which you want to live out your living amends, and that’s great!
How Will Making Amends Help My Recovery?
It’s much easier to just apologize and move on, but committing to living your life differently looks different. Making these types of life improvements typically requires that you work with a counselor or therapist who can provide an outsider’s perspective and objective view of your life. Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end. All types of amends are good, but living amends are some of the best kinds you can make!
- When you cannot directly make up for something to the person you hurt, a living amends is a decision to change your ongoing behavior in a way that is informed by the wrongdoing.
- You can still be true to that by making an honest apology and not making excuses for why you didn’t follow through.
- Take a look at our state of the art treatment center.
- In fact, every day I make a living amends to my husband, son, Mom, and brother Ricky.
- My Mom, on the other hand, loves to complain about Ricky’s behavior.
- Remembering how I stole from you makes me sad and fills me with shame.
For many who lived in addiction, apologizing was a regular habit. Whether it was apologizing for being late for work, missing an event, misusing property or stealing money to support an addiction, expressing remorse was likely a daily occurrence. The guilt may have been real, but the apology didn’t come with lasting change. living amends You may also have the opportunity in the future to make more direct amends with certain people in time. However, this future possibility should not keep you from working your steps. Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends.
Sometimes I can listen supportively for a short period of time. When she takes a breath, I ask if she wants my opinion. Over the years, in small bits and pieces, I have been able to share small pearls of my Al-anon wisdom. Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor. You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8.
Sometimes, the outcome can be uglier and downright disappointing. They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to what you have to say. The goal in making amends is “to freely admit the damage we’ve done and make our apologies,” according to The Big Book. In some cases, making amends may mean paying or promising to pay “whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe,” the Big Book also states.